I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
