You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize