You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
