summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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