This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All the doctor said was why
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
