I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
