I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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