I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
