that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
