I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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