I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
