What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
