I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
