Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
