You just made me feel so damn special
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
