woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
