I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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