wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
