onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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