I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize