I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
