What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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