I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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