i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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