we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
