k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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