He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
