Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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