my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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