went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
