How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
