Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
