I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
