So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
