literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
