I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
