oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
