My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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