Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
