He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Actions speak louder than pants.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
