i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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