I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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