Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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