She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
