How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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