I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
