help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
