yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
