I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
