I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
