I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
