allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
