I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
