The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
