Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
