I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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