Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
